Ham! Ham! Ham!
by Kiwi05
Summary: Jack and Will head off to a bar. There is a ham raffle. They get the ham and a huge fight ensues. PG for language, after all, they are in a bar, drunk, etc etc etc.


Ham Ham Ham! By Kiwi05 with special thanks to Theresa!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean. For gosh sakes I don't even own a ham!!! I don't own the Stealth Ninja Emu, Cherry Kitten, my co- authoress, does! Read her fic on it. I also don't own Moby (the rock spitting fish) Dick. My biology teacher from last year does.  
  
A/N: Any ** or *** etc denotes a special note at the bottom.  
  
A/N 2: Pardon the silliness...I wrote this for my own amusement and I am highly amused. I finished writing his at 12:05 am and I am pretty happy. It's winter break! w00t! And anywho, just read it, and if you don't like it, please read my comment at the end.  
  
One bright and sunny day, a day much like today, well not really, because it is snowing where I live and it's not that sunny at all. Just a bit overcast. But anyway, it was bright and sunny where Will and Jack were and they were sailing to Tortuga on the Stealth Ninja Emu. Will was getting bored. There was nothing to do except play with Moby (the rock spitting fish) Dick. Finally Jack announced that they were headed for Tortuga! Will finally smiled. Nice island...warm...sunny...did I mention there are lots of whores around as well? Despite the fact that he was molested by two on his first visit (see PotC and then the deleted scenes). Well, that's besides the point, I wouldn't exactly know all the details since I have never physically been there, but that's ok. They continued sailing.  
  
They finally reached Tortuga and they moored the ship. Jack and Will got off and walked towards the nearest bar. Jack noticed that over the door of the bar, there was a sign that read: Come on in. Ham raffle at 10 pm. They entered the bar and sat down at a table. Pretty soon a young woman came to serve them.  
"Hey, fellas, what can I get you today?" she said.  
"RUM!! And lots of it!" said Jack, which wasn't surprising.  
"Oh, wait, I remember you! You idiot!" *SLAP!*  
"Oh man, not again! For God's sake!"  
"Um...I don't know what I'll get. I'll take some Coke please."  
The bar-wench walked to the back and brought out a mug of rum for Jack and some Coke for Will.  
"Ummm, excuse me," Said Will. "But I think there is a problem with my Coke."  
"What? It's Coke. You ordered it, it's fine." She replied.  
"But I didn't mean the powder kind!"  
"Ugh, well then I don't know what you were talking about. I'll just get you rum instead."  
"But I wanted a Coke!" Will whined.  
"And I gave you some, so shut up!" Will felt scared and he did shut up because he didn't want to get slapped again and again like Jack always did. She came back out and slammed the mug onto the table.  
"Uh...thanks....?" Will said uncertainly. But she just ignored him and went to serve some other customers. *cough, Cherry, cough!...ok...not THAT way...* So the two drank their rum and Jack quickly began getting tipsy as usual since he kept getting more and more rum. Will decided to pass on more rum because he didn't want to look like an idiot.  
"Hey!" cried Jack. "I'm not an idiot. And besides, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!"  
"So? That doesn't matter." Said a goddess like voice out of nowhere. "I'm the authoress and I can do whatever I want to you because I have supreme power over you! Muahahahahaahahahahaa!"  
"Ahhhhhh! NO!! HELP ME, WILL!" Jack passed out. Will just sat there and acted like he didn't know Jack at all. Jack was out of it for a while and Will didn't know what to do. He couldn't just leave Jack there or anything...but around 9:30 pm one of the bar-wenches came around and asked Will if he would like a ticket for the ham auction. Will agreed and got out some money. He decided to buy two, one for him and one for Jack. He knew Jack would just love to have bought a ticket for a yummy ham!  
  
Ten o'clock came around soon enough and the bar owner stood at the counter and shouted to get everyone's attention. The racket of the bar quieted down and the owner announced that it was time for the ham drawing! Will sat in his seat and clapped his hands and gave a very quiet-so-that-no- one-else-will-hear squeal. He was overcome with excitement about the ham! The owner stood up and held a small bowl with all the tickets in it. He got one of the bar-wenches to draw a ticket. She handed the ticket to the man.  
"And the winner is...Jack Sparrow!"  
"Huh...? What? It's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. Captain, you bone-head! Now what did I win?"  
"A ham, Jack, a ham! You won a ham!" Will said excitedly.  
"How the hell did I win a ham? WHY the hell did I win a ham? I don't want a stupid ham. What the hell do you do with ham? I want RUM!"  
"Ham, Jack, ham! Don't forsake the ham!" cried Will.  
Meanwhile, the rest of the men in the bar were starting to murmur amongst themselves. After all, many of them paid for 10 tickets for that damn ham! This was an outrage! Each one of them believed they should have won the ham! This wasn't a matter of having a free ham, this was a matter of dignity! They MUST have that ham!  
"After that scoundrel! Get the ham from him!" shouted one drunk man as he jumped out of his seat. "Onward!" Then, a unanimous shout rang throughout the bar. All the men in the bar rushed towards Jack screaming. One man even shouted 'Give me your ham, bitch!'** Jack was really freaked out now and he realized he had to do something. After all, tons of malicious drunk men were running towards him and you absolutely cannot hurt a drunk man unless you kill him!*** Jack stood up and tried to shout over the noise while they were coming and tried to negotiate but they didn't hear him. There was only one thing left that he could do. They were only 10 feet away from him now! He made his decision. He threw the ham to Will.  
"Oh, goody! The ham!" he cried.  
"OMG, Will, just take the damn thing and run!!" shouted Jack.  
The drunk guys were still coming towards Jack shouting unanimously 'Ham! Ham! Ham! Ham! Ham! Ham!'  
"What?! But I don't have the ham!" screamed Jack. It didn't matter. They ran towards him and leaped for him. They all brought him down in a huge tackle.  
"AHHHHHHH!!! HELP ME WILL!!!! AHHHHHHH!! RAPE! RAPE!! OMG!!! AHHHHHHH!!"  
But Will was sitting there in oblivion petting the ham.  
"Oh, golly, this ham is just gorgeous! I love you, ham!"  
"OH MY GOSH WILL! JUST THROW THE FREAKIN HAM AT THE MOB!" Jack tried to yell but the mob was surrounding him and he was muffled. Will didn't notice a thing. He was just enjoying spending some quality time with the ham. Through the masses of drunk people, Jack somehow managed to get up and force his way through the angry mob that was fighting each other. He came over to Will and grabbed the ham.  
"NO! NOT THE HAM!" Will cried.  
"Deal with it you baby! Now let's go!" Jack grabbed Will's arm and dragged him off with the ham.  
One man in the drunken mob realized the man with the ham wasn't there anymore. He took a quick look around and noticed him and some other young man leaving the bar.  
"Look! The ham! It's over there! Don't let them get away!" The man caused a new uproar and the crows stopped what it was doing and turned around and rushed towards Jack and Will.  
"Run you pansy!" Jack urged Will on. "Do you want to be raped by those drunken guys who are after my ham? They are DRUNK. You have no idea what it's like being in the middle of that mob...*shudder* Let's just not talk about it and just RUN!"  
Being threatened with rape by freaky drunken weird guys after his precious ham, Will ran faster. They ran to the ship that was in the dock and the hurried into it quickly. They quickly removed the gang plank and set out. The left all the drunken idiots on the dock yelling things like 'That's our ham! OUR ham! Don't let them get away! Noooooo!' and so on and so forth.  
But now, Jack and Will were safe. Will was laying on his bed still tormented with the thought of being raped by drunks****. He hugged his ham tightly. Jack came in to comfort him and tell him he was safe now and the only threat on board was Anna Maria.  
"WHAT?!?! I heard that, Sparrow!" she screamed.  
"Uh-oh." Said Jack. "Well, anyway, I best be getting some supper ready. I'm hungry. Give me that ham, after all, I won it. We are eating it for supper."  
"Wh...wh...WHAT? Th..th..the..the..ham? But Jack, we can't eat Porky for dinner!"  
"What the hell do you think you're doing? You NAMED the ham? What the hell is your problem, Will? You have issues...serious issues...now give me the damn ham!"  
"You will get this ham over my dead body!" Will cried.  
"Well, if that so pleases you, very well."  
"NOOOOOOO!"  
"Oh shut up and be a man!"  
  
And so we leave our two protagonists fighting over whether to eat Porky or not. But as we all know, Jack will win and Anna Maria won't take crap like that from Will. You know what happens to people who misbehave on the Stealth Ninja Emu...they become toys of Moby (the rock spitting fish) Dick. So, we shall leave Will to being tortured by Moby and Anna Maria. She shall enjoy dunking him in and out, in and out of Moby's tank. Well, that is all for now. Hope to see you again soon at Tortuga!  
  
~The End~  
  
---- Please review! It means a bunch to me! It gives me inspiration to continue. Please send in constructive criticism or whatever saying you liked it if you did, but please, for Pete's sake, no flames. You know what? If you didn't like the story, then that is not my concern. If you don't like it, go read or write something better. Any flames will be sent back to the writer in hopes that it will burn them alive. Thank you!  
  
****explained**** **My friend was walking around school (after school was out though) in a skirt and my friend Laura stole his pants and he walks up to some poor little kid and he's like "Give me your pants, bitch!" It was so hilarious!!!  
  
***Excellent advice from my English teacher...the same guy who compared the Process of Writing a paper to throwing a hand grenade...  
  
****JCL!!! OMG Me and Cherry's friend Dewey was going to sneak over to our hotel room at night (and no guys are allowed in girls floors!! *gasp*) and it was Saturday but there were all these drunk people roaming the halls so we said he couldn't come over because he would get butt raped by the drunken cowboys! Haha! He probably would have enjoyed it though..hehehe... 


End file.
